Unbeautiful
by A Starr Is Reborn
Summary: And finally she runs out of "un" words. Unattractive. Unwanted. Unfortunate. She's just so done with herself. She knows what she is, knows what she'll always be. Male!Elsa, eating disorders, modern au.
1. Chapter 1

**This is... for every person that won't look into a mirror. That can't look into a mirror. This is for every person that feels ashamed of the body they're stuck with, no matter how you dress it up.**

 **This is for me. I love you all.**

* * *

Mirrors are the devil.

They must be.

They hate her. And she hates them too and whoever decided to put mirrors in bathrooms should rot in a shallow grave. And were she ever to meet the lonely grave she'd spit upon it. Mirrors are evil. Mirrors are the devil. And the one facing the shower she steps out of screams silence into her.

It's her own silence.

And it's her own image that stares back. It's a sad sort of something that droops her shoulders. It's a resignation that darkens her eyes. It's a disgust that sneers her lips.

"Pig," she hisses at the sad girl in the mirror. She thinks to herself, _whale planet cow walrus_ , and so many other vile things. Because she is vile. The mirror is evil because it will never let her forget. Not as though she could the stretch marks on her upper thighs won't let her. The soft swell of her belly refuses to leave her mind for any second.

 _Fat filth._

Even a cold shower - cold because she'd heard once that cold makes you burn more calories - and scrubbing her skin raw can't make her feel less disgusted and disgusting. Not as though she could scrub the fat away. She wished she could. She wished she could cut it away.

She imagined the pain she'd feel but somehow the idea of slicing it off is still more appealing than anything. Diets. Exercise. And still STILL she was just... a blob. A-an unappealing, gross jiggling fat blob.

The sad girl in the mirror glared back. Her eyes judging and burning. _Hate_ , she decides, _that girl in the mirror hates me._ Which is fair because she most certainly hates that girl in the mirror. That ugly ugly thing. The thing that sniffles and cries and pities itself. She hates that girl.

HATES her.

So very much. A curse floats from her lips and in the bathroom it echoes back at her, but distorted. An angry warbling murmur that tells her what she already knows. What the mirror never stops telling her. What the girl in the mirror always projects with her sad eyes and stretch marks and cellulite and ugly ugly ugly UGLY fucking ugly creature. A louder curse leaves her before she finally grabs the towel draped over the shower curtain bar and briskly wipes water droplets from her skin before wrapping it tightly as she can about her rotund frame.

She can't stand looking at that girl in the mirror anymore. Can't stand her sad angry eyes and unattractive body. She can hardly stand attractive bodies but at least they are nice to look at. She's almost certain her eye balls are puking right now. Or maybe she's just crying. Because she is, unfortunately, that girl in the mirror that cries and pities herself.

Most people would be surprised, if they knew her self loathing, that she doesn't slice at her own skin with a razor. But... it's bad enough there's so much fat and skin, she couldn't imagine adding scars to it. Even if the idea of bleeding out her pain is almost intoxicating, she knows she can't. Never will... She's grotesque enough without adding scar tissue.

Her room is almost unbearably cold. What with her overhead fan spinning so hard the wide round base holding it to the ceiling trembles, plus the box fan close to her door but in front of her dresser cranked up to it's highest setting, it's positively frigid. But she needs it needs that icy calorie burning crisp air.

The air flow slams her bedroom door behind her and she jumps, turning to open it and yell out a quick apology that goes unanswered before she very carefully and quietly closes it herself. She leans against it then. Shivering.

It's partly out of cold. But only partly. She drops her towel and keeps her eyes firmly locked forward, refusing to allow her eyes to track down her front. She knows they'll catch on her stomach and she was finally biting back tears. She's really really been trying this week. She's had a meal a day. She runs everywhere.

It feels like she's gained weight regardless. And maybe that's why the mirror is such a despicable thing. It lets her know that her starving and hard work were all for nothing. She dresses as quickly as possible and then stands back and faces the door. There's a mirror hanging from its back and she admires herself clothed in it. It's not as though there was ever the question present for it, but she decides she is most certainly much better looking with clothes on.

Three sharp knocks very slightly rattle her mirror and draw her, scowling, out of her own spiraling thoughts. She hasn't a chance to call out before a voice, muffled, calls to her,

"Anna? Are you decent?"

Decent? No, she isn't. Far from it. She's just shy of bearable. She's she's she's... there doesn't exist a word to accurately describe her. She's already used disgusting, and whale, walrus cow, pig AND planet. She needs a thesaurus. And then maybe she'll be ok. But she answered, raising her voice only very slightly,

"Yeah, you can come in," as she bends over and grabs her towel. There's a hook on her closet door for this lovely. She leans up to hook it as her bedroom door creaks open. She takes a breath before turning to the beautiful man leaning his back against the door. Nervous, but perfect. Some small part of her truly resents her elder brother.

"What's up?" He asks with a wide grin. His teeth are seriously Chip Skylark teeth. Shiny and perfect. Like everything else about him. Her brows quirk up as his question finally registers.

"Uh... just, just showered?" What a dumb question to ask of her. Knowing she'd been nowhere but up here on the second floor, just existing in various ways. His eyes widen a fraction before returning to normal as his cheeks burst into a wonderful shade of pink. He makes blushing look like it is his sole purpose in this world. Then again he could do and be anything and it would still suit him absolutely perfectly.

He pushes himself away from the door and steps over to her bed. He seats himself, gingerly, on the edge of her bed, looking away from her.

"How... how was your day?" She might even like her prefect brother if he didn't try so hard. She got it, she was gross and useless and stupid and fat and ugly and spending time with her was a chore he had yet to tire of even though their interactions had become closer to formal than anything else.

Or that's how it felt to her.

Still, she allowed it without question, mostly due to the fact that he was her last hope that maybe she was still stuck in some ugly duckling sort of phase. Despite he never had this problem.

"That jerk from my class tried to make fun of me today," she offers as she throws herself across the bed next to her big brother. "I shut him down."

"Good! That's... good," he says and she thinks maybe he was attempting that to sound cheerful. It comes out strained. "What, exactly, did he say?"

"He tried to insult me, so I turned it back on him. Made his friends laugh at his expense so points to me."

"Very nice," still strained. "So he said what exactly?"

She rolls her eyes. "I think he was trying to call me fat? Or like round. He says, 'Wow Anna,'" the voice she imitates is nasally and pitchy, which isn't how he speaks but it's how she pretends he speaks. "'You're looking really hot. Like a super hot... dog!' And I mean... he just called me a hotdog so I'm obviously confused. And I ask, Why Hans, is that joke about you being hungry for my dick?"

She glances at her brother as she tells this, and catches his lips twitching into a grin. Snickering follows, he shakes his head in disbelief. She manages to smile and continues,

"Well he didn't find that very funny. So he retorts, and quiet angrily, 'No! I was calling you a fat log of meat!' To which I respond, For someone not hungry for my dick you sure are sucking it pretty hard right now. And then the teacher walked in in time to hear him call me a fat ugly slut and threaten to beat my ass."

"He WHAT?"

"So he got detention for a week and I got his butt buddies to laugh at his expense." And she totally had not taken those last insults to heart. 'Cause he's not worth her getting upset over. He's not.

"Anna I want you to tell me everything you know about this Hans right now, because he won't get away with that I swear I'll-"

"What kick HIS ass and get suspended or worse, expelled? Yeah no, no you aren't."

"But!"

"But nothing! I don't need your help I can handle this. Besides that he's already been handled!" She didn't need his help. She wasn't helpless. Just fat.

"Yes but from what you always tell me he's like this all the time! He's just going to do it again!"

"And it'll get handled then too, and NOT by you."

"Why won't you let me help you?"

"Why don't you just leave me alone!"

One of them might blink eventually and break the glaring contest they're locked in. She doesn't really need to be so callous to her brother. It's just that his existence mocks her. Her father and mother are lovely, positively beautiful and radiant. Yes, even her father can be described as beautiful.

But her brother? Gods above he's just not fair. It's like, the amalgamation of all the things that makes her parents beautiful, concentrated, with some protein powder and a green tea tablet added to the person smoothie and then BAM her brother. He was perfect and beautiful and gorgeous and wonderful and dreamy he was just dreamy...

Unfortunately her parents had used up all their hotness juices on making her big brother and thusly here she existed now. He's the one to break their gaze. He lets out a sigh or a huff and looks away. Off to the side again.

"Are you eating dinner?" She flinches very slightly. _What is that supposed to mean?_ Which she apparently says out loud, because he glances back at her, expression just shy of sour. "Mom wanted me to ask. Since you're always on some stupid crazy diet."

"It's not crazy," she spits back. "I'm not stupid."

"I never said you were."

"No, just the things that I do, right?"

"Anna-"

"No, I'm not eating dinner tonight."

"Anna, come on, I-"

"You should probably go let mom know." She won't look at him, too busy scowling down at her bare feet, but she can feel his gaze burning into her. After a long, slow ten seconds he finally lets out a soft sigh, standing from his spot next to her. He says,

"Ok. Ok..." And stops at her door, hand curled around the knob. "I love you Anna." He looks back and she looks up and there's something in his big blues that she doesn't quite understand.

"I... I love you too Ellis." But she returns the sentiment, even despite the bitterness gnawing away at her insides. Or maybe that's just hunger. His smile is made of sugar and sunshine when it flashes across his face just before he opens the door and slips out. She stares at it for a few moments, listening to the sound of her brother barreling down the stairs to tell mother not to set a plate for her.

And then she turns, crawls into the middle of her bed, grabs the fuzzy wolf she holds at night to ward off more self-loathing induced tears, and buries her face in his soft belly. She closes her eyes and prays for sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**I feel like I'm so mean to Anna...**

* * *

She feels sick when she wakes up. She would swear that she was soon to vomit were it not for the fact she hadn't eaten in at least twelve hours. But she's woken by hunger pains. Cramps and aches and a dizziness that is terrifying and wholly impressive. She feels sick so so sick God why-

 _Just go feed yourself then, piggy._

It's sad how she listens to herself in these moments. Even as her thoughts are caustic and dripping with sarcasm. She's too hungry. And so she sits up in bed, allowing only a few tears to track from her eyes - defeat shakes her with one quiet sob - before she rolls out of bed and tries to quietly stumble towards the kitchen.

She's lucky mom and dad don't sleep beneath her room. Thankful, too. It takes her half a minute to adjust her eyes to the dark so she can make it carefully and quietly down the stairs, hands gliding over the walls and swimming through the darkness before her to warn of tables or doors. No need to wake the family for a bottle of water, right?

She swears she'll grab a banana. Swears it.

She's reached the kitchen and making her way towards the light switch when the lights come on and momentarily blind her. She blinks and grimaced, but her eyes adjust and she's staring at Ellis. His hair messy and eyes half-lidded. He doesn't seem to notice her, not quite yet, and in that moment that she stares at her sleepy, beautiful brother.

And in that moment she feels the heat of resentment, of of-

 _Hatred, right?_

"Anna!" he smiles, yawns widely, and shuffles towards her. He pulls her into a hug she's entirely unprepared for and she squeaks and freezes.

"Ummm," this close she can see the scar on his left brow. From when he was eleven and she was nine. And they were playing in the snow with their neighbors and one mean girl had put a rock in one of her snow balls. And he'd been trying to protect Anna so of course he was taking all the hits for her, even though she begged him to get out of the way.

Idiot had refused.

"Luff you," he murmured against her hair, pulling back still smiling. Sleepy Ellis is cuddly. Sleepy Anna is not. She stares at him like he's grown horns.

 _Which, let's be real, he would rock._

He opens the fridge and rummages around inside, mumbling to himself. The waters are in the fridge, and that's if she's too lazy to just get a glass and fill it from the tap. And she most certainly is. So she moves past him and into the large pantry to kill time. Which she regrets immediately. Food stacked from floor to ceiling, and all of it calling to her wailing at her.

Or maybe that's her stomach cramping and twisting. Her hand grips the material of the large sweater she wears, over her aching stomach. She's dizzy again, vision swirling. She takes deep breaths, slowly. And she edges back out of the pantry, turning around to face Ellis.

A piece of deli meat hangs out of his mouth. Ham or turkey she can't be certain. She thinks he's absolutely ridiculous and snorts with laughter at him, trying to disguise it as a cough because snorting makes her sound like-

"You can just eat a sandwich," she tells him, smiling. He shrugs, and she thinks he tries to grin at her, because his teeth flash and then he bites through the meat and it drops from his mouth. Which really makes her snort and her cheeks burn with embarrassment and frustration.

Of course even her laugh would be unattractive. And of course she misses the bright smile her laughter brings to her brother's face. He hides it though, biting it back as he bends to lift the meat from his foot. He's wearing a more neutral expression by the time he straightens up and walks slowly to the trashcan, glancing at Anna as she slips by him and begins her own perusal of the refrigerator.

"So do you think there's a five second rule on black forest ham?" That draws her out of the fridge, bottle of water clutched in her hand, brows furrowed and mouth hanging open. "What?"

"You need Jesus," she mutters, shaking her head. "Disgusting."

"Hey now, hey now..."

"This is what dreams are made of?" she offered, brows raised.

"I was going to say Jesus couldn't clean up my mess... but that works too." She manages to tame her laughter this time so it's less obnoxious. His laughter, of course, is prefect and subdued and rumbly grumbly in his chest. Lovely, like everything else about him.

"Anyway," she closes the fridge completely and starts trying to slip by Ellis - this whole encounter had felt entirely too close and intimate (and not like _that_ come on gross, that being said he WAS shirtless and it was distracting) - as he returns from the trashcan. He steps in front of her though. And he's not laughing or smiling when she looks up. He's frowning and his brows are pinched and he's watching her intensely and-

"Did you ever eat anything? Like, dinner, a snack or something?"

"Yes," she nods sharply, smile relaxed, stomach screaming. And he stares at her some more from underneath his brows. She'd answered too quickly. But if she hadn't she would have answered too slowly. And if she changes it now it could seem suspicious.

"Well... I really want an apple. But like only half," he crowds up on her, stepping in her immediate space so she backs up and he can pull the fridge open again to retrieve an apple. "So could you keep me company and help me eat this thing?"

It's an apple. So. It should be ok? It's not like she's caving she was _going_ to get a banana. This is better. She prefers apples anyway.

"I guess," he smiles and she hates his perfect teeth and loves how genuinely happy he seems. And he steps into the pantry for five seconds and comes back out with a jar of peanut butter. "No peanut butter on mine, please."

He pulls out a knife and plate and starts to cut the apple into slices.

"Why not?"

"... I don't like it."

Which is a lie she LOVES it. But she hates it. Because it's just more calories she doesn't need. And in the middle of the night which is like über bad. She doesn't look at him right away but when she does he's looking at her, sorta squinting. Probably thinking how fat she is. Offered the apple because he thinks she needs to lose weight.

"Ok," he says very quietly, turning his eyes to his hands, carefully removing the core from the slices. And like, he could have cored it to begin with. Always being so difficult. He sets her slices to one side and slathered his own in peanut butter. And then he puts the knife in the sink and the jar of peanut butter back in the pantry.

He offers her the plate and she takes a slice to nibble at. And still she can feel him watching her. Reminding her she's fat. She shouldn't have worn that old pair of Grinch boxers. He can see her legs and the beginnings of her thighs. He's staring at her double chin and chubby cheeks. She can feel it.

The apple tastes like vinegar and dirt and salty garbage. She swallows with effort. Eating brings her no satisfaction. She feels happier when she's empty. She thinks, perhaps, if she weren't afraid of getting caught she might just binge and purge (and, ok, so like losing her teeth would REALLY suck too).

"Sure you don't want one of my slices?" Earnest. He's earnest and genuine and sweet. But her mouth tastes bitter and the peanut butter, she knows, really won't help her. So she shakes her head and takes the other slices that are hers. She stuffs them in her mouth and chews them without really tasting them. Chases it with half the water bottle she'd grabbed.

"Anyway," she says again, starting to retreat for the stairs.

"Ah," she pauses to glance back at her brother, arm outstretched like he wants to follow her. "Goodnight..."

"'Night." She turns her back on him and slips away into the darkened hallway, taking the stairs two at a time in her haste to retreat. Also there's a chance the extra work might burn away at her accumulated fat. So.

She curls back up in the middle of her bed, holding her wolfie close, staring at the ceiling. Her stomach still cramping and crying. Well. She might have something to do with that other half.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hallooo! I tried to remember high school... did I won?**

* * *

Hans glares at her when she walks into the classroom. She ignores him to the best of her ability, quite unfortunately he stalks behind her over to her desk and the moment she swings her bag off her shoulder and places it down he shoves it into the floor. He smiles at her when he does so, or really he sneers.

"Oops," he shrugs when she turns her own glare on him. "Your gravitational pull made me trip."

She might just hate Hans more than that girl in the mirror. But she bites back tears and fury and smiles big and sweet for him. She says,

"Hans listen... you suck at flirting. Try flowers, you might actually get a date!"

"Hey listen Anna, you're a mountain of lard. Try surgery and you might get a boyfriend," his smile might just be sweeter than hers. God she hates him.

"But... you're technically a boy... _technically_. I've gotta admit, I'm unimpressed. Could you become gay so that the world doesn't have to deal with your offspring? People might actually like you then!" She giggles and claps her hands excitedly.

"And you're technically a walrus! Do you think if we stick you in glass exhibits people would like you?"

"So like, are you actually gonna come up with something original or...?" He seemed to just enjoy parroting the things she would say and while it was SO so interesting... it was exactly not interesting and seriously she was too smart to get stuck in some endless cycle of stupidity.

Never mind the effort it took her to interact with this twat without spitting on him.

"Awww, giving up so soon? What's wrong, ya gonna cry baby?"

"Uh, no... I'm just not five... by all means, keep going! Please, feed me your judgement I'm hungry!"

"Bet you're always hungry, Piggy!" He was starting to get louder. Smiling like he won, attracting more attention than they'd already drawn. _Seriously though?_

She sat down slowly at her desk, put her chin in her hand and titled her head back to regard him. Standing there with his nose so high in the air he'd drown if it were raining. And she smiled then, sprinkling it with sugar crystals and pixie dust.

"Then feed me, hotdog boy!" she half expects him to lunge at her these days. To leap at her and attempt to wrap his bony little fingers around her fat neck. And fail to do so of course. It's like the only advantage to being as fat as she is. She's harder to assault.

The nearest students started snickering and it made his face turn this delightful shade of something-almost-purple. He slammed his hands down on her desk and leaned in close.

"You obese little-"

"Mister Westergård!" Her English teacher has the best timing. Like ever. "I'd think after yesterday you might consider choosing not to harass Miss Kolden. Should I assign a few more days to your detention to allow you some extra time to think a bit more about your actions?"

He withdrew from Anna's personal space reluctantly, gritting his teeth and glaring. He spits out,

"No ma'am that won't be necessary," but his eyes and the way they glitter and gleam at her from beneath his brows tells that this isn't over. He's not done not by a long shot and she should regret ever trying to defend herself against him. How dare she be the only person to stick up for herself.

As if, in this day and age, where bullying was a thing that people were aware of and didn't like, it were so wrong for someone else to help. She'd say chivalry was dead, but chivalry had nothing to do with this. That was about knights n shit she knew even less about. No, just common sense was dead. Common sense and kindness.

"Good. Please find your seat so we may start the lesson," Anita Radcliffe was a lovely woman, from London or at least some place vaguely British. She seemed to remember a story or two about like Ireland, but Mrs. Radcliffe wasn't Irish so... London was her lazy assumption.

She was patient and passionate so it was easy to get lost in her and in her lessons. Which, adding to the fact she put up with no tom-foolery between her students - which lessened slightly her irritating, exhausting interactions with Hans - made her a pretty great teacher. Her husband was the Piano teacher. Nice guy. She didn't really know him all that well, having no aptitude for music, but from what she'd heard he was an equally excellent teacher.

But Anna genuinely liked Mrs. Radcliffe and regretted getting into such childish bouts with Hans before each lesson. So much so that when the bell signaling the end of the period rang and the students started shuffling out of the room Anna gathered her things and moved towards her instructor's desk.

"Umm, Mrs. Radcliffe?" The woman glances up and brightens, which makes Anna feel worse, like she's going to disappoint her (or already has). She shuffles her feet and looks down at her beatup vans, missing how the smile drops into a concerned frown. "I owe you an apology..."

"Did you know I've got a few dogs?" Her teacher slipped her glasses off and folded them, and her hands, atop the desk. Anna blinks slowly, mouth falling open as she struggled to find words to respond to that... random admission.

"Uhh..." is the best she can come up with.

"It's interesting, how they react to sound. For instance... any toy brought into our home of the squeaking variety will be torn to shreds within a week. As if the noise makes them more aggressive, or the toy more dangerous and thusly something they simply MUST destroy."

"Uh yeah... that's a thing with dogs right?"

"You're the first toy that squeaks back when he bites." She clarifies. Ah. Ok. Now that makes sense. Kinda... "Yes I'm aware you defend yourself, and yes you two speak to each other in sometimes equally degrading ways... but that gives him no excuse for the violence he attempts. You are a young lady, and he should respect that. _You_ should respect that..."

There's more there than just a reprimand for her actions this morning or any morning to come (and every morning before now). There's a concern that hints at a knowledge. A knowledge of Anna and her life and all the intimate inner workings of it. It makes her heart stop and her skin prickel and ice melt down her spine. But she resists the urge to panic or act on her internal upset.

She smiles apologetically and finds herself laughing like she's sheepish instead of sick to her stomach and half terrified.

"Yah I'm working on that whole being a lady thing," still too fat, uncoordinated and ugly, but hey, working on it. "But I'm getting there." Kinda. Not really. _Fatty_.

"I should hope so," Mrs. Radcliffe grinned back. "Now off to class with you! And Anna..." She stops in the doorway and turns back to regard the woman settling anther unsettlingly concerned gaze on her. "You know you can talk to me right?"

She hesitates to nod. She stares for a second to digest the information she's really not certain she can trust. And slowly she does find the energy to jerk her head up and down in a confirmation. Her smile feels strained and weak. But Mrs. Radcliffe says nothing else so she throws her hand up in a wave and backs out of the classroom.

* * *

It happens at lunch.

She skip hers and takes it in the library, browses through any section that catches her eye, so she misses the action. She didn't check out any book, still making her way through _The Jungle..._ it gives her all more reason to avoid food. Claims of disgust. She can only eat salad, and only made from locally grown produce. Obviously.

But it happens in the cafeteria, and it's all anyone can talk about in the classroom after lunch.

A fight. Between someone on the basket ball team and some sophomore. And Anna would never claim to be the smartest ever, but she's not so dull as to miss the fact that Hans is now missing from calculus. He sits in front of her, two seats in front of her.

But his chair is empty and when people start sneaking glances at her and whispering she's got an awful feeling she knows the identity of the other fighter. She suspects it at least, and when the school day ends and she gets in the car with her brother and sees the bruises on his knuckles she knows for certain.

"What'd you do." It's a quiet demand she bites out just before he starts up the car. He freezes for half a second.

"Whadya mean?" He smiles at her and cranks the car up.

"What did you DO Ellis!? How much trouble are you in WHY after I told you it was handled WHY would you take it upon yourself to cause trouble?!"

"Because I'm not going to let him get away with running his damn mouth about MY little sister!" He beat one fist against the wheel, finally allowing his smile to twist into an enraged snarl. "You know when I was walking up to him he was talking about you? I wasn't _going_ to hit him. I was just gonna warn him." His head swings around to the road and he pulls out of his parking spot, grits his teeth and squeezes the wheel until his hands are trembling.

"But then I heard him talking about you and I saw red. He's lucky I didn't strangle him, _the little BASTARD!_ "

"Ellis...?" She'd NEVER seen him like this, face so red so angry. But speaking like that. She wanted to hug him. She wanted to duck and hide from his rage. It was choking her, filling the car. She wanted to...

 _I want to..._

"Sorry," he takes a breath, rubbing a hand through his hair. It's unfair she's distracted by it. But who wouldn't? He blew the breath out on a sigh. "Sorry, I just. I'm not an idiot you know?" One of the smartest, not just in his grade, but like the whole school. What was he even- "I see... I I know what's happening I just don't know what to say, I guess? I..." His voice cracks when he looks at her, eyes wet, and tells her, "I love you."

And it takes her breath away. Doesn't he tell her all the time? This isn't new this isn't exciting. But still her mouth flops open and she searches for words but they fail her entirely. He jerks back to the road when a car horn blares behind them. Neither of them speak for the remainder of the ride.

Until they get home and catch sight of their father standing at the top of the driveway. Ellis curses. Anna stares at him. He refuses to look back at her though, whether out of shame or distraction she doesn't know. He parks on the curb like usual, turns off the car and leans his head back against the headrest.

"You should go to your room and put on some LOUD music," he tells her but his eyes are closed. "This isn't going to be pretty." Already their father is stomping towards the car, furious positively rabid. Like, almost foaming at the mouth. She scrambled to get out of the car, running for the front door.

Her father didn't even acknowledge her, on the warpath straight for her brother. She hears his hands slam against her brother's car. She reaches the front door, and before she can completely close it after she slips inside she hears her father booming like thunder,

"GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE CAR!"

* * *

 **I always had great interactions with my English teachers. So... Anna gets that gift. But nothing else... ok maybe other things but not now.**

 **Anyway that was Anita from 101 Dalmatians because I love her! So you guys stay lovely, have a wonderful week!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Grew up in a house with constant yelling and fighting. One other gift I give to Anna is that it won't be taking place right outside her bedroom door like mine did.**

 **Cuz no lie that always sucked.**

* * *

She doesn't put on loud music. She can't. She's too... scared. Ever since Ellis had turned fifteen there was this odd tension that had developed between he and their father. She didn't quite understand it but the tension was present. Obvious in the stiffness of their interactions, the steely looks in their eyes, the gritted teeth.

They fought still only occasionally, probably due in part to Ellis and his remarkably cool nature. Still even with that, he was oftentimes the one starting the fight. In this instance, however, it was quite the opposite. All she heard at first was the front door opening downstairs and then her father _roaring_ at Ellis.

"-THREE DAY SUSPENSION I CAN'T BELIEVE-"

Only three days? That seemed like a relatively low number. She didn't really see or know all that much about the fight but surely, surely it wasn't THAT bad if he wasn't expelled right? Or maybe the principal was hesitant to expel him due to the fact that he'd won them a few trophies for his skills on the court.

But what did she know she was just a high schooler.

"OOOOH, real big MAN aren't ya?! Beating up CHILDREN!"

"I'm NOT going to let anyone HURT MY SISTER!"

The next part was so low she had to hold her breath and press herself tight to her door to hear it, " _Don't_ you _dare_ raise your voice to me, _boy_."

"Oh, OH so you can scream at the top of your lungs in my face, but I can't defend myself!? I'm so so sorry Lord Kolden that I ever dared to attempt an actual conversation! Please, OH great KING of the MOUNTAIN, don't punish me!"

"You need a swift kick in the ass; don't you get smart with me!"

"Then DO SOMETHING! Since you're such a BIG MAN, why don't you do something _dad!_ " She isn't sure what her father does, but she would swear the sound she hears - and immediately following grunt, probably from her brother - is a slap. At least she hopes it's a slap. She's fearful that if it's a punch then a real fight might finally start and then... well she really doesn't know what would happen.

But she can imagine. And that's bad enough.

"I can't believe you. I thought you were better than this bull shit!"

"Guess you thought wrong."

"You're grounded."

"Yeah no shit right?"

"One more damn word out of your mouth and your ass is grass." He stomps off, so she can assume, and a door slams. The front door she knows. He probably left work early for this. She imagines she can hear his shoes eating up the ground between him and his SUV. She _can_ hear his car door slamming. And also the car starting up.

She'd half forgotten she was leaning against her door, falling back when someone knocked on it suddenly. So busy listening to her father leaving she'd completely disregarded her brother's presence.

"Anna?" He opens the door and she's laying in the middle of the floor by her bed, one arm thrown over her eyes. It's completely silent and he understands that she'd heard everything. He hadn't meant to be so easily within her range, but daddy dearest had been basically dragging him into the house and they happened to stop at the bottom of the stairs that led up to Anna's floor.

"You were wrong before," Anna, sighs, shifting her arm. She props herself up on both elbows and tries to glare at him. She fails. He grins and chuckles, stepping fully into the room and leaning back against the door.

"Oh?"

"Mhmm. You definitely are an idiot." He snorts and her brows quirk, a smile she can't quite control taking over her face. _He just snorted._ He joins her on the floor, sighing as he throws his own arm over his eyes. She lays back again, watching him out of the corner of her eyes.

"No more adulting today!" he declares suddenly and she giggles, turning her head to face him.

"You adulted today?"

"... no more teenagering today," he decides and they both laugh. He moves his arm from his eyes and turns to watch his sister. Hans hadn't hit her. He wasn't entirely certain before but close as he is - their shoulders are brushing - he can see she's fine. When he'd walked upon Hans in the lunchroom, he had been, bragging? Something... lying, so it seemed.

About 'slapping the bitch out of that fat Kolden slut' and he knew that there _was_ a chance this could have happened. Anna wouldn't tell him, he tried to protect her but she was so damned stubborn she just didn't want it. He'd been angry and... terrified. God, he'd been horrified to think that she might be... AND and she hadn't been in the lunchroom! What was he supposed to think!?

Also, every slanderous word that piece of filth had used to describe his sister had REALLY pissed him off.

"OUCH!" He flinches back, grimacing. Anna smiles apologetically. She'd poked his cheek. His face had been turning red again and she'd just been trying to pull him out of whatever train of thought was spiraling him back into rage.

"Sorry," she whispers, drawing her hand back. She'd turned on her side to fully face him, but she's hit with the urge to turn away. Seriously how dumb could she be he'd just gotten slapped with the heavy hand of divine justice - she'd gotten spanked by her dad once... just once, she'd learned her lesson - and she goes and-

"Hey no no no it's fine," he captures her wrist, pulling her hand back to his face and although he winces, he presses it over his cheek.

"Doesn't that hurt?" What she wanted to ask was, _Isn't this weird?_

"Yes but..." he laughs and the cheek beneath her palm warms. "...It makes me feel better."

"... you're weird." She tells him, very seriously. But they both laugh and maybe it's her imagination that he shifts slightly closer.

"I know."

And she wonders why this is ok. Because in the past few years she feels like she's been distant and in the past few months it feels like he's been trying to sneak closer. And she would swear she was successful in keeping him out. She wanted as little to do with her soul crushingly beautiful family as possible. And yes that was awful SHE was awful for being so bitterly jealous of people she's supposed to love unconditionally but, damn it, she couldn't help it!

Wasn't it good enough that she hated herself for how and who and what she was?! Didn't that make up for that?

But she can't tell, she can't recall when this happened. How this happened. How her brother had stolen so close like a thief in the night. It wasn't fair. It wasn't FAIR. He was so perfect so so magnificent couldn't she just have that hate? But his eyes are closed and he's so peaceful so lovely. It makes her heart ache.

"Why are we on the floor?" She asks, and starts to laugh because isn't this aren't they ridiculous?

 _What's wrong with me?_

"I don't even know," Ellis admits and he laughs with her. And it's stupid and it isn't funny but she laughs harder. And he laughs harder and they finally break away ( _she_ breaks away from _him_ ) and she rolls onto her back and stares up at her ceiling fan. For once it's not on the highest setting, spinning almost lazily.

"You shouldn't have started that fight," she says once she stops her laughter. "Regardless of what he said or was saying or will say... You shouldn't have started that fight."

"I really AM an idiot," he says, because he knows he shouldn't have started that fight. So does she. "I just... don't want him to think that he can get away with it."

"What? Being a douche bag?" She rolls her eyes at him but he scowls and shakes his head.

"Treating you like any less of the lady you are." Oh, oh yeah right ok. She HAS to laugh at that. But he takes it as a delightful sound. Something like happiness.

"Ok dork," she sits up and shifts back to lean against her bed. He doesn't move but to tilt his head back to catch her eye so she can see his grin. "That's enough about that."

"I must be some extra interesting creature to be a dork AND an idiot!"

"The most idiotest dork ever," she agrees, and they laugh again before she reaches down to ruffle his hair. "Now get outta my room, ya weirdo. I have to do homework."

"Awww boo! Can't we just do our work together?"

"We aren't in the same grade... we don't have the same work to do together," she tells him, but slowly as if this is hard to understand. And he pouts but she continues, "Besides I don't want to get in trouble by hanging around with the resident convict."

"Ugh, that's right I nearly forgot. The _Warden_ put me in solitary confinement," he doesn't say _again,_ but he doesn't really need to.

"You should stop antagonizing him," he sits up but doesn't quite get up just yet, turning to face her and bracing his elbows on his knees, he settles his chin in his hands. Petulant. He looks like a disgruntled, petulant little boy.

"Don't wanna," he grumbles. "He treats me like a child."

"Awww, and does that make wittle Elsie mad?" He groans and glares at her but manages to smile at the same time.

"Shuddup." He pushes himself up from the ground. Sighing. "Ok, ok I'll leave you be. I gotta go hide in my dungeon now." He offers her a hand and she takes it. And considering how heavy she is she finds it incredibly surprising that he can just pull her up so easily. It's on purpose that he pulls her to him. Into a hug.

Not brief or swift. He leans his head against the top of hers. Squeezing her tight.

"I'm sorry I'm such an idiot. I probably caused more trouble than the fight was worth to you but... it was _priceless_ to me." He sighs, pulls back. She blinks up at him and he smiles but it's sad. "But I'm sorry you had to hear that... I just... I love you, ya know?"

And she smiles too, but it feels sad. And there are quite a lot of things that she doesn't quite understand and this is another.

"I know. I love you too, bro," things still feel awkward. She's still awkward. So she stands stiff when he grins and waves and starts for the door. She thinks she must nod in response but she's not certain. She sits back on her bed.

She's just...

In shock? Things are weird this is weird she and HE he is especially weird. And an idiot he just couldn't let things go. It made her angry ( _oddly grateful?_ ) and also just a touch scared because... there's really no telling what will happen tomorrow. Hans got stomped and it's HER fault and now her brother won't be there and she knows she KNOWS things will will-

"You should be sorry," she hisses to herself, curling her legs up to her chest, hiding her face in her knees.

She'll have to eat dinner tonight. Father will be tense and she doesn't need to set him off. So she HAS to eat dinner tonight. And she can't tell what makes her angrier...

That Ellis is the reason why she has to eat or that she's looking forward to it.

* * *

 **Whoa where'd this come from NO IDEA don't expect too much of quick updates. But hey, here this is. What up?**


	5. Chapter 5

**I am officially a God of metal and destruction, the most BAMF bitch in charge... I punched a spider to death.**

* * *

So maybe her brother beating Hans to a pulp isn't going to help her in the long run... but she must admit, only to herself, that she's never quite felt as much satisfaction than the moment he came in with his black eye, busted lip, and bruised face. She's not so angry at Ellis - and yes she is still angry - that she can't agree with what he'd said yesterday. Priceless. Utterly priceless. As quickly as she can she whips out her phone to snap a shot of his scowling face.

She thinks his impression of a constipated chipmunk is rather spot on, not that she'll tell him that. That would require speaking to the unpleasant waste of space. But that's ok, he's such a _lovely_ person that, like the day before, he storms over her way. She's already sitting, her bag securely in her lap.

"You bitch, you stupid _hog,_ " he sneers and she can smell his breath and maybe his mouth hurts from that beating because there's _no_ way he brushed his teeth this morning and, ugh, gross. "I'm going to get you for this!" Spittle flies from his furious lips and she flinches when it hits her cheek.

 _Oh God ew ewww._

"For what, you freak!?" She wipes at her cheek, not bothering to disguise her disgust. She's not afraid of Hans, annoyed and every word synonymous with it perhaps, but not afraid. Until he grabs her by the front of her shirt, twisting his fist around the material and yanking _hard._ He leaned in close and pulls her closer until it's just his fury just his swollen mug dominating her vision.

And it marks the very first time a fear of him invades her mind.

"For my face!" he growls and forget wrapping his fingers around her fat neck, she can only think in this moment he's going to simply punch her teeth out... which, to be honest, might help curb her appetite. Having no teeth that is, not the part of getting them punched out. And she shouldn't, she knows she shouldn't, she really and truly knows she shouldn't and... despite herself she is unable to stop the words bursting from her lips, shameless,

"But you look _so_ much better now, why you mad bro?"

What's more terrifying still than his proximity to her face or the tight grip he still has on the front of her shirt... it's the smile that breaks across his face.

"I'm going to enjoy every second of it," he tells her, pushing her back as he detangles himself from her shirt. Which is totally just messed up now, which is great like wow golly gee thanks a whole lot ( _frickin' ass_ ). "Beating my pound of flesh out of you. Of course with your impressive girth I suppose it might have to be a bit more than a pound..."

She should stop while she's ahead.

"Is this another weird sex thing?" She asks and she knows she's smirking but she feels numb and cold and entirely frightened. She should stop. The harder she fights the more it encourages but she'll be damned to let him know he scares her. And he laughs, he-he just... he laughs.

"Every second," he repeats with eyes gleaming almost as brightly as his grin. "And now you won't have that Frankenstein protecting you."

"It's Frankenstein's monster..." seriously, she should shut up like ANY minute now. "Frankenstein was the doctor; read much retard?" And that's just in bad taste and she winces and wishes she could suck those words back in. She had a autistic cousin, really she knows better but it's like she can't stop now. Too far in. Grave been dug too deep. But still all he says is,

"Every. Second." But the way it passes his lips sounds like he's... well, beating off significantly less than a pound of flesh. She could say inch but that's not a unit of weight... even if it is(in her mind) true.

He's right though. As he finally vacates her airspace she takes a few moments to collect and calm herself she realizes he's right. Big brother isn't there anymore to deter others from her. Well, just the one other, but... But there's NO way. Hans is an ass for the history books, yes, but he wouldn't SERIOUSLY lower himself to physically harming her... right?

 _Oh God._

He'll do it. He'll actually do it won't he? She's ok she's fine she's not going to cry not going to freak out it's ok it's ok it's ok... oh God oh God, what can she do? There-there must be something ANYTHING she doesn't... She's a girl for Christ sake, even with her fat and his lack of obvious muscle she's still a girl and he he can...

"Alright class," Mrs. Radcliffe, with her perfect timing as always, manages to break Anna from her turmoil. "Settle down, find your seats." And then it's what feels like a blink of an eternity later that class ends. And she's ready, she's totally prepared to bolt out of the room this time - which basically means she hadn't planned on staying to speak with lady instructor this time; she's still too numb and out of it to pack her bag up before the bell rings - but then her name,

"Anna? Could I speak with you for a moment?" Slowly she forces her head to tilt back enough from packing her bag to meet her teacher's eyes. Her glasses are already off and her concerned frown, which is getting way too familiar by the by (and she would appreciate that frown more could she really process any thoughts beyond _I'm going to get my shit wrecked_ ), is in place and aimed at her.

"Yes?" In some part of her mind she notes how distant her voice sounds just to her own ears.

"You... seemed distracted during the lesson... is everything alright?" Her eyes feel hot. Like, that moment when your body automatically prepares for crying by heating the face. And another small part of her brain wonders if that's where the phrase 'a hot mess' comes from.

And maybe it says something about her that her response is a smile that's too well practiced. So much so it could be confused with something genuine.

"Yes, I'm fine. Just worried 'bout my idiot of an elder brother," and Mrs. Radcliffe chuckles and smiles but the concern still makes her eyes shine and her brow furrow. "He got in a fight with Hans yesterday. Now he's suspended for three days."

"Yes I heard about that. I missed it," and just under her breath she mutters, " _Unfortunately._ " But it twitches Anna's smile into something quite closer to heartfelt.

"Yeah, I missed it as well. In the library, reading." She shrugs and then Mrs. Radcliffe laughs and grins wildly and the concern disappears, if for the moment. She says, still laughing,

"That's what I like to hear!" Because there are a handful of reasons Mrs. Radcliffe adores her. But the woman clears her throat and attempts to regain that air of concerned seriousness. "I suppose I'm just not used to a you that is quiet in my class, not when you're usually so verbal."

"Yeah, I'm just... I _am_ distracted, I guess. I'm very sorry-"

"No, no," the woman waves her off. "I understand. It's tough, having relatives so rough, why my cousin-"

The warning bell rings and they both flinch. Students start pouring in the room and Anna begins to back out of the room,

"Later," she says and smiles. Because she would love to hear about her teacher. She's interesting. And maybe it's because she's fat and teenagers are cruel, or maybe Hans has made her so wary of everyone else her age, but she finds she gets along much easier with her teachers. Even the ones considered quite villainous and evil by the student populous. "Do you have lunch duty?"

"Not at all!" Mrs. Radcliffe chirps and they both wave as Anna bolts out the door. At least her lateness gives her an excuse to run. She can finally burn off the dinner from last night. Or as she likes to think of it, the disaster and a half. With some sprinkles of awkward.

It'd been some honey Dijon baked chicken with potatoes roasted in a skillet and grilled asparagus with parmesan flakes. She was only lucky that Ellis and father had been unbearable so her excusing herself from the table seemed more an act of telling them both to grow up rather than an act of fleeing the food she'd liked too much.

It's with great shame she admits how much she enjoyed the few mouthfuls she'd taken before things had taken a turn for the worst. But that's all ok now. Her next class is on the other side of the school and she inwardly rejoices at that as she pushes herself harder. She's got a few minutes it's true but she wants to run she needs to.

It makes her feel better... it helps her believe that keeping this up all day will reduce the chances of her running into Hans in the hallways. So this is good. It's safe. And it'll keep her safe.

 _Right?_

* * *

Luck doesn't usually exist for her. But she counts today as an exceptional oversight on the part of the luck Gods because she avoids Hans all day. There's even a drafting class that they share and he happened to skip today or something, because when Mr. Cook reaches the end of roll call and _Westergård, Hans_ remains silent and a quick search of the classroom with her eyes finds his seat, like yesterday, totally empty, she quite nearly starts to cheer.

 _Relief_ , she decides, _is the greatest drug that has ever existed._

And she can believe she understands drug addicts if this is the thing they chase because it's so sudden and satisfying the rush of euphoria that washes over her. The most experience she has in... the sexual arena... amounts to private browsing sessions on her laptop she won't admit to and curious explorations beneath her waist those few times it does strike her every once in a while. But she would allow herself to jump to the conclusion that this relief is far more satisfying than any sex. Like ever.

She makes it through the class, gets to show Mr. Cook her progress on her design - she's making this ridiculous, beautiful castle sort of structure with secret passages and things and he loves it - and then when the day ends and things are good, she finally allows herself that chance to take and blow out a breath of relief. And, on top of everything else, Ellis even offers to pick her up from school.

Everything for the day lines up and she forgets all of her troubles until big brother asks after her,

"So," he begins, clearing his throat. Awkward. Moments like these she takes extreme gratification out of. Any moment where perfection is lacking in his actions reminds her that, hey, there's still a teeny tiny chance that ugly duckling theory still works! He makes mistakes... this could be a mistake. A trick. A lie. A dream.

"So?" She provides when his silence stretches and the music from his phone (which is plugged into the radio set to AUX) reaches her ears and it's... weird.

"Did... did Hans...?" He can't finish but her mind is superior, imagining every thing he could say. She almost starts up babbling. It's right there on the tip of her tongue and choking away other words... And it's the fear and concern in his beautiful, brilliant eyes that brings that professionally faux smile from early morning English class back onto her face.

"No." One of his hands is curled around the shift and she lets one of her hands fall over that, prying his hand away and forcing it to turn so she can thread her fingers through his. His relief, she can see it break across his features. And...

And she's still angry at him for whatever reason that she was, and she's angry at him now for caring and reminding her of this and now forcing her to make false statements to his genuine love and devotion.

"No," she repeats and squeezes his hand for a moment. He returns the gesture. "No I'm fine. He was WAY too scared to mess with me. I guess you put some fear of the Kolden name into him!"

He's so happy. She kind-of hates him, yes, but he's so happy it hurts. And how, why can such a smile breaking over that facial canvas break her heart so thoroughly? He squeezes her hand back just once more before he pulls the hand back and starts the car.

"Good." he breathes and relief as a drug re-enters her mind. Because now the air in this space is light and happy and she feels... awful. But as he changes the song she makes certain it's a smile plastered onto her face for him. He hums along and out of the corner of her eye she watches his fingers tap against the wheel.

"Aren't you grounded?" It occurs to her suddenly and she completely turns to face him. His cheeks pink and she fights back a snort of laughter. "You forgot didn't you?"

"...N-no," he growls and when she snickers he continues, "I-I don't like being told what to do an-and I won't make you ride a bus, damn it!" And she's chuckling -ok, she's laughing her fat ass off because his face looks like her hair right now and he was stuttering and just the look on his _face_ right now...

"You-you're trying to get in trouble," she chokes out and he makes some indignant sort of noise. Like a grunting huff of a sigh.

"Shut up!" He snaps but she still laughs. And if she really looks hard enough he's smiling too. She doesn't know that she's holding her breath until they arrive home and, like usual, no cars are in the driveway. But she blows the breath out and a rumbling of laughter erupts from Ellis. "Yeah, me too." Is all he says but it's all he needs to say.

"Dad was pretty mad last night," she defends herself unnecessarily. He nods. "I guess I just... I don't know..."

"I know," he says anyway. And maybe it's in her head but she thinks he grits his teeth. "The anticipation that they'll be waiting to ruin the day... Super villains, right?"

"Masters of destruction," she grumbles. "Anyway." She gets out of the car and makes her way towards the front door, which is still locked. And she's almost annoyed but she understands that safety is as safety does, right?

"So," he starts as she tries to climb the stairs to her level of the house once they've shut and locked the door after themselves. And despite it all she stops and turns, giving him her full attention. An impatiently patient smile quirks at her lips. "D-d'ya need any help with your homework?"

It's his olive branch. Because, dense as he can be he understands that a ride to and from school is nothing... well ok it's not nothing BUT it isn't enough just yet. And she doesn't. Need help that is. Homework isn't so hard, she's not so dumb. But... But at the last second she hesitates to turn him down. _He's too hopeful,_ she decides. Certainly too much for his - that is to say, her - own good.

"Sure," she smiles and nods. "I'd love the company."


	6. Chapter 6

**I've been watching Ancient Impossible for literally hours. It makes me remember why I wanted so badly to be a history teacher when I was younger. Ancient people's were so much better than us it's utterly laughable...**

 **I don't dislike Hans, yet I still make him the most perfect ass hole... meh, whatevs. I SWEAR, I will search for mistakes in this after work tonight, so be patient with me. Please.**

* * *

Hatred. He knew hatred well. He'd spent most of his young adult life consumed by it. Hatred for his father that could never keep it in his pants. Hatred for his mother for falling for the man that already had too many bastards to count. Hatred for his bastard brothers for always being older and smarter and better than he. Hatred for life for playing so many cruel jokes on him.

The only thing he hadn't necessarily hated had been the lovely Anna Kolden. Oh yes lovely. When he'd first seen her she'd still had a youthful roundness to her cheeks. Breasts bigger than all the other girls. And thighs Jesus some thighs he'd sink his teeth into... But she lacked confidence. The one thing that could have made her curves worthwhile.

The general tilt of her chin trended downwards. Her eyes only met teachers, and very very occasionally a kind student. She didn't seem to have friends... He hadn't known at the time but had things been different he could have been that first friend. He could have been MORE... But things weren't different.

And so as things were, the first time he saw her, easy target that she was, he couldn't possibly stop himself from walking over with a charming smile. Her eyes had caught his, widening for half a second as an enchanting pink tinted her freckled cheeks. He'd stopped before her and informed her,

 _"That sweater isn't fooling anyone sweetheart."_ Confusion had furrowed her brows and she'd stuttered out a _W-what?_ that didn't know to be angry just yet. And so he'd told her, after pausing to chuckle, _"I mean I've heard of pigs in a blanket, but a pig in a sweater?"_

Her mouth had dropped open, eyes blown wide. Her cheeks were a vivid red. And then her brows furrowed again and her mouth shut and her eyes had begun to fill with tears that, while threatening to escape, never made it past her lashes. She almost slapped him. Her hands were shaking but instead they twisted in the hem of her sweater and she'd spit out past gritted, bared teeth,

 _"Rot in Hell, douche bag!"_

And really he couldn't be held responsible for his verbal punishment. If she weren't such an easy target maybe he wouldn't have messed with her but she was begging for it really she was. So before she could slip away he'd grabbed her arm, asking,

 _"No really, is the punchline that you're a ginger or just fat? I don't know which one I'm supposed to laugh at more."_

And he had been slapped then. He hadn't hated her for it, but she would hate herself for it. If she'd just yanked her arm away and run off crying like a good fat ( _curvy_ , he'd be the first to admit, _delightfully curvy_ ) girl, he probably wouldn't have pursued her misery after that day. But she had slapped him, so he was obligated to chase her discomfort like a starving dog hungry for the meat on her bones...

He'd started to hate her when he noticed that she was skinnier. Thighs not so juicy, same for her ass and that glorious rack of hers. Cheeks not so rounded. It was like he was five and his big brothers broke or stole a toy for him. The little bitch was losing weight and he HATED it. So he'd picked up the taunting harder; girls eat their feelings right? RIGHT!?

She didn't, that he knew of. And she still had some meat to satisfy but but it... each day she looked... less. Just less. Eyes duller. Like she was giving up like she didn't care. Only when she fought against his verbal onslaught did they brighten and she was getting better. He was helping her be better, more confident but her weight wouldn't come back. And then he got bitter.

Bitter and angry.

So it'd become malicious and deliberately cruel. Violent. He'd started to really and truly hate her. And that was before her frickin' prick of an older brother caught wind of his various exploits involving her.

And then he'd gotten his ass beaten.

He could have pressed charges he could still but when he'd come home and his youngest older brother had seen him and laughed and laughed and _laughed,_ and hey, laughed some God damn more, he'd decided against it. He wanted to handle this himself. He wanted that recognition that respect.

He wasn't a pussy. He wasn't a baby. He would get her back for this. For betraying the trust they'd had. She was supposed to take her damn lumps as he dealt them, not run off and sick her stupid lurch of a brother on him. Cheating bitch. Stupid anorexic cheating pig bitch.

Yeah he knew; no way anyone loses weight that fast while looking that unhealthy and miserable. Skipping lunch every day, she probably didn't eat breakfast either. And it made him _so. Mad._ He wasn't entirely certain what he could or even should do about it. Sometimes, increasingly lately, he thought about force feeding her.

He thought about other things he could force on her too. Mainly himself. But that wasn't a good thing to do. He wasn't so desperate yet. Plus since he'd _really_ threatened to get her back for what her brother had done to his beautiful face, she was more careful about moving from place to place. She simply didn't trust him.

Which was fair. He wouldn't trust him either. But that was ok. He was, or at the very least could be, patient. He would wait and watch and when the time was right he'd get his revenge. Really all he had to worry about was planning it.

* * *

She hated periods. Seriously she did. They were gross and made her feel gross. She wished she could skip school on days like these. Raining and awful while she was bleeding from places she'd rather not. Or really just the one place, STILL! Shouldn't there be or wasn't there a law, some unspoken rule at least that allowed her to call out of school for the week?

Maybe that was a fever dream she was having currently... She was starting to really consider trying it out anyway. The principal was a man after all. She could just ring the school now,

' _Umm yes hi Mr. Dukes, sorry can't come in for a few days I'm having the thing that comes at the end of a sentence. Ya know, so long as the sentence isn't a question or exciting? Yeah ok see you Monday_.'

If only...

She was bloated. Like, God, was it not bad enough to be fat already that she HAD to be bloated? Plus, she was _ravenous_ dear Lord she'd actually eaten breakfast today and now she wanted to cry. No scratch that, she wanted to crawl into bed, lay there for days, and cry. In that order.

Chocolate chip waffles.

Her stupid beautiful big brother had made chocolate chip waffles and they'd they'd smelled _SO_ so good she'd just. Had two. And they'd tasted like heaven but now she felt like Hell. And he knew, he smiled so big when she agreed to have some, but when she'd eaten them as quickly as she could and shoved the plate away to run back up stairs and finish getting ready, she'd caught the way that smile had dropped and-

UGH he was so frustrating!

Her lower stomach - well, her ovaries to be certain - ached so much she felt like she was going to puke. Or crap herself. Or both. Which is just the worst like what if she DID have to do both, which took priority over the toilet? Whatever, she was just going to lay in the floor and groan in pain. Because she was weird.

"Anna?" She groaned louder, listening to her brother knocking at her door.

"Go awaaay!" It didn't help matters that she was laying face down on the floor. So either he didn't hear her or didn't care or he was just worried because the door opened slowly and just one beautiful blue was peeking around the door. Along with that half of his eyebrow, cheek, and chin.

"Want a ride to school?" He offers and she really wishes she could turn him down. But as she tries and fails to glare or scowl at him, she smiles instead, nodding.

"Please," she says instead of no. And then, "Absolutely, _God,_ yes." And he chuckles and her cheeks flush but she brushes it aside and he hardly notices anyway so what does it matter?

"Cool," he grins and nods. "I'll be in the car." The door closes and she lets her face drop back onto the plush carpet. She's still considering skipping school. Like, really hard. Ellis would hardly complain, they could hang out and... do whatever he'd been entertaining himself with thus far.

She hadn't asked.

She was way less angry about his temper tantrum of an all out brawl in the lunchroom, but still just peeved enough to share interactions with him only carefully. That is to say, she was able to resist being completely short with him, but it wasn't totally UNobvoius (no it isn't a word, yes she's using it anyway) that she was rather displeased about the whole event. So while she won't refusing to be near or speak to him, she was not making attempts to initiate anything.

 _So basically business as usual wow I suck as a sister._

Whatever. There were worse things she could do. Like completely shut him out at least she wasn't so awful to do that. Would she be lying to say she hadn't considering doing so before? Yes. BUT she still hadn't actually done it so. Yay?

She pushed herself up from the floor with a low groan of discomfort. The constant throb in her general mouth-down-south region and all its associates was a problem she alleviated with a quick stop off in her bathroom, dry-swallowing three tablets of whatever generic pain reliever she kept on stock in there, before she slowly made her way downstairs.

"I'm off!" she called back into the house as she opened the front door, hesitating on the threshold for the semi-cheery call of her mother and the grunt from her father where they both sat in the kitchen nursing coffee cups of an equally dark nature. Receiving both, she slipped out the door and made her way to her brother's car, throwing the hood of her too-big hoody up over her head. Not like the rain would melt her, and even less did she care if her hair might frizz; she just didn't need the added chill.

And yes, most certainly she did usually prefer cold for the calorie/fat burning power. But now she was bleedy, crampy, and cranky and all she wanted was warmth. His car was. Warm that is. As soon as she slipped inside and slammed the door afterwards (which he made no complaints on, _smart boy_ ), she let out the first groan today that wasn't driven by pain.

He chuckled, and maybe he knew her pain because before he pulled away from the house he pat her shoulder and gave her a sympathetic half-smile. And though he said nothing she still shrugged his hand off, grumbling,

"Shuddup." And he's still smiling sympathetically but he doesn't speak, doesn't even fiddle with the radio but allows her to. She finds the first Spanish channel she can and sits back. No she doesn't speak Spanish, yes she likes the music. Especially at night, Spanish club music is amazing.

When they reach the school grounds and Ellis pulls up to the curb closest to the front double doors, he turns to look at her and this time he's not smiling. She realizes that he must know how she started her morning because he tells her,

"If you need anything, anything at all today, don't hesitate to call or text me. Ok?" And then... And then she finally smiles. And today's the worst day, but she decides she can get over her whatever with him and she leans over to wrap her arms around his shoulders.

"Thanks," is all she says but it means a thousand things. I love you, you're awesome, you're damn right I will - being the top three. And she draws back with a grin. "Time to kick ass!"

"And take names, right?"

"You know it bro." He chuckles and she lets him ruffle her hair, only briefly and then she pushes his hands away and tries to brush it down. When that does nothing she huffs and throws her hair up into a quick messy bun. "I look good?"

"Amazing," he tells her, ever earnest, "Like usual." and she rolls her eyes.

"Whatever. I'll see you after school?"

"Definitely."

She smiles and sighs with no small amount of relief. And when she throws her hood back up and steps out of the car, she realizes her ibuprofen had kicked in because that awful pressure in her gut is gone. And so she keeps smiling as she ducks her head and runs for the doors. Even starts humming the last bit of the song she'd heard on the radio before she'd gotten out of the car as she pushes her way inside.

 _Maybe today won't be so awful,_ she thinks to herself. _Just maybe._

* * *

 **I like Spanish radio. That is all. Love y'all have a lovely day night week month or...** _ **period...**_ **of time, hehehe, I'm hilarious to me. OK BYEEEE**


	7. Chapter 7

Hans runs into her in the hallway. Quite literally. Shoulder checking her with his lean, mean fighting machine of a lanky body. That would be bad enough if he didn't shove her on the sly, propelling her into the row of lockers she'd been passing by. He's smiling when she glares over at him. The way it curls at his lips is sickening and sinister, making her skin crawl.

"Ooops." He shrugs, laughing something closer to insane as he walks away with one of his butt pirate pals. He was such a rude chode swallower! God, she wanted to punch him in his stupid smug mug.

 _Perhaps I've been too harsh on Ellis._

And by itself, that interaction would have been stupid and bad. Not awful, not quite enough to ruin her day. Not really. Her skin might not be the thickest, but luckily she's got a layer of blubber underneath. So she is mad, and he does piss her right the fuck off, but she attempts to be the bigger person by shrugging and walking away. But see, that was out of character.

Tired as she is, cramping and bleeding, she doesn't bite back, doesn't throw a shitty comment (she'd been thinking _Walk much, retard?_ but she's really gotta stop relying on that word. Makes her feel like a jerk to Billy) over her shoulder before glaring and walking away. And that was a mistake, really. She should have known better than to keep to herself. Should have known that even saying nothing would hit a nerve. Should have known her silence mocked him and his efforts to dig himself under her skin.

She heard one running step being taken, and then there was a foot being rather forcefully kicked into the space between her tailbone and her backpack. She isn't certain what he had been trying to accomplish. Whether he'd meant to kick her or her backpack. He'd misjudged that distance though. And he'd made a mistake.

The linoleum floor was slick with rain. His own sneakers were soaked where he'd stepped in a puddle on the way in from buses. So when he'd taken that running step to kick at her, he'd hadn't stopped to consider that the slippery slickness of the floor was anything but kind to wet shoes. Or stupid ginger dickheads that'd upset the balance of their body by getting a foot stuck between her butt and her bag.

So with a high-pitched squealing squeak from his shoe, gravity and friction struck him. And to a greater degree, her. His stuck foot pulled her down, and hard. Right on her ass and right in a dirty smear of rainy shoeprints. Pain rocketed up her back, starting at the now throbbing base of her spine.

"Dude are you kidding me!?" She hissed. She practically ripped her bag from her shoulders, turning her glare onto the dazed jerk sprawled out behind her. She stood, slipping but catching her balance only twice, hands on her hips to rage down at him while he was still out of it. "What is your problem!? Jesus, what are you, five? Get OVER yourself already you insect, and leave me the fuck alone!" She grabs her bag, pure petulance lending her the moral strength to swing her bag at his head before storming off.

And perhaps the biggest mistake of all was thinking he'd be an adult about it. Perhaps she should have known better than to think that his butt buddy wouldn't point and laugh in his face. She was already storming away, huffing and puffing and heading for the library for safety and comfort. She wouldn't see the unattractive shade of red his face was turning, the way he was baring his gritted teeth like the savage beast he is.

She wouldn't see him punch his friend in the face hard enough to make blood gush from his nose when the innocent bystander kept laughing. Or how he turned to stalk after her with a manic grin. She wouldn't notice the way security shoved past her when she was scrubbing traitorous tears from the corners of her eyes. Because he was NOT worth the tears, and she was crying because. Because other things were sad and hormones are a bitch!

Obviously.

She would only notice his absence in her first class. She would wonder what it meant, then she would get highly uncomfortable when her classmates would whisper and take pointed looks at her. And it wouldn't stop there. Class would go and it would end and she would pause long enough to lament the childish stupidity of her classmates with Mrs. Radcliffe (" _Oh come now, Anna. They aren't stupid or simple! That's just unfair. Really, they're just ignorant and foolish._ " and she'd shrug and they'd both laugh) before ducking out of the classroom to make her way across the school.

Students in the hall whisper. WHISPER. IN THE HALL. BETWEEN CLASSES. They whisper and watch her go and she feels the way her rounded cheeks flush with heat and the carmine of her life. Stares shouldn't bother her, because they aren't cruel they aren't mean and glaring, not like how Hans stares. But. She hunches her shoulders, fidgets with the hem of her hoody. Feels anger and uncertainty prick at her eyes as she stumbles past people, beginning to kind-of jog towards her class. So maybe the roar of blood in her ears or the rush of air past them can drown out the too-quiet students loitering in the halls.

She'd swear she's never felt so uncomfortable.

* * *

She usually spends her lunch in the library, and today is no different. Especially considering all the looks and whispers in the halls. She'd taken the long way to get here, actually considered getting lunch for once but tried to convince herself otherwise by walking by the lunchline. The line that spills out into the hallway and hugs the walls almost all the way to the old gym.

Her need to feed was considerably lower after the whole lunchline had dropped to near-silence and loud whispers at her appearance. The attention makes her feel weak and nauseous. Or maybe that's breakfast back for revenge.

Either way, a quick stop off at the fountain soothes her angry gut and she retreats to her safe place. Here, near-silence and loud whispers are the norm. Plus people dedicated to their schooling - or a day late on an assignment they're desperate for a grade on - are pretty much the only ones that hang out in the library during lunch, and those aren't the kinda people that bother with her.

Though she should have realized, with her luck, that today would be exceptionally surprising. She finds an empty table in a quiet corner - the one by the poetry section, in fact - and seats herself, pulling out her book. She'd just removed her bookmark from place when somebody seats themselves across from her.

She intends only to glance up with the sort of glare that says _"who are you and why would you dare pick this table when literally three others around me are totally open?!"_ but can only accomplish the glance, not the glare. Because it's the incredibly kind, super pretty librarian chick that always seems to be here. It's like, a class or something? You could sign up for it and help out at the library. She wasn't certain if you had to be in a particular grade or what, but she was certain that this would be the kindest interruption she could receive.

"Hi!" The girl offered a brief wave and huge smile. Anna starts, blinking. Her jaw flops open, words and greetings and questions flood her mind, tickle at her tongue. She settles on,

"What?" And manages to deliver it in the flattest, most unfriendly tone. Her face heats. Holy ducks what was _THAT!?_ Could she be any ruder?! God bless it, this wasn't Hans. "Ah, uh, s-sorry, I meant-"

"Hey no worries!" The lovely brunette laughs, waving her off. "I get it, I'm known to get rather vicious when pulled from my literature." She laughs again and really what kinda weirdo laughs this much? For whatever reason, she can feel a smile, hesitant though it was, creeping upon her. And then the pretty lady is extending a hand?

 _Seriously what is this a job interview a palm reading?_

"I'm Belle, by the way," she- _Belle,_ tacks on, ever smiling, even as her hand falls to the table.

"Oh! Uh, yeah, I'm-

"Anna Kolden!" Belle chirps and Anna... She stares. Probably looking pretty creeped out. Because she is. Very. Incredibly, in fact, almost unfathomably so. And then it's the beautiful brunette flushed and embarrassed. She says, "Oh, oh wow holy shit that sounded creepy. Umm, I'm sorry, I check you out so often-NOT, not you, I meant, your books, for you I check them out! And your name pops up a lot on that dingy little screen so I guess you pop up on my mind a lot and-"

Belle blanches, mouth clicking shut. Abruptly she stands up, her chair teetering on its back legs for a second before falling forward on all feet. She steps away, pushes the chair in, turns around and walks a few feet away before stopping completely. She takes a few deep breaths that lift her shoulders. And then she turns to face Anna once more, walks slowly over and proceeds to seat herself.

"Hi!" Same cheery smile and quick wave. "I'm Belle, may I sit here?"

Anna laughs. It just bursts out of her, loud enough to catch the attention of the nearest gaggle of students. Their bent heads swivel, narrowed eyes glaring with accusation, they hiss a group-wide _shush_ that makes her wince. Belle flies out of her seat though, quick as a whip to spin on her heel and,

"SHHH!" They start. Anna stares. What the Hell was with this girl!? "So anyway," she's all sweet smiles as she lowers herself into her seat (again, again), cradling her head in her hands. "What's your name?"

* * *

 **Some of you may be wondering where I've been...**

 **Literally no where. Doing absolutely nothing of import, besides work I guess... Mostly just drinking and smoking because I'm a stupid adult why not do stupid adult things like drinking and smoking?...**

 **Work is dumb and I'm good at paperwork. I decided to try this out since I haven't in. Wow a year. Huh. Anyway here this is. Bring it on.**


End file.
